The crew
Kristy
Initial description: Aussie tour leader who likes to be called ‘Princess’ and likes to think she’s only 23 or 24. Loves being on the road and has spent many years leading overland trips throughout Africa and South America. Petrified of snakes but not afraid to shake her booty in front of a full restaurant.
Update: Now a good friend, who has taught us girls how to take a cold shower, a bottle shower (using 1.5 litres of water to wash yourself AND your hair), and how to pee in the bush when it’s really windy. She’s also our truck hairdresser and beautician, having cut some of our hair, dyed our eyelashes, and cleaned out our ears! Chef extraordinaire making incredible meals from anything, including floorboard specials (meals from cans we have on the truck) and even managing to bake cakes on a fire in the middle of the bush. A-MA-ZING writer and I hope she publishes a book one day (I will buy one) and if not, at least the blog she’s been promising the office! ;) Gets very loud and animated when drunk. Official uniform: rotating her black Bonds singlets, bicycle shorts and African print skirts. Favourite phrase: ‘Smells A-MA-ZING cook group!’
Nev
Initial description: an ex sheep-shearer turned driver & mechanic. Also an Aussie who loves being on the road. Gets confused when driving anything that is not a truck and ends up doing a maximum of 60km per hour on a highway in a Volkswagen Golf.
Update: An excellent drinking and sheesha buddy who regularly loses his thongs (flip flops) when out. Lucky the bouncers seem to return them to him and make him wear them! Loves burning things when cranky, e.g. Senegal and Benin 'incidents'. When frustrated, he throws things e.g. a lighter when trying unsuccessfully to light a fire on a windy morning in Morocco. Loves beer and tuna. Sound driver and mechanic even though his mum thinks he never does any work. Has his own dance style, ‘The Nev’ – arms outstretched about shoulder height with a ‘walk like an Egyptian’ feel – it only comes out when extremely drunk, sans thongs. Apparently we are yet to see his ‘tippy toe’ dance which we hope will come out on the East side…
The gang
The single ladies (well whilst on this trip anyway!)
Lee
Initial description: avid English traveller who has lived in Korea teaching English, on first impression seems “normal”
Update: Extremely generous, kind-hearted 26 year old, nicknamed ‘Captain Jack’ by the boys for her unusual walking and hiking style. Is up for anything, including coming out with us one morning in Bamako when she’d only just gotten home a little while earlier. Survived a potential malaria scare and braved the harsh treatment of two needles being jabbed into her bum! Crappiest eating habits ever: seems to live off Laughing Cow cheese, crackers, bread, crisps and soft drinks. Hugs and kisses everyone, telling them she loves them, even when it’s too hot to hug.
Johanna
Initial description: my Irish tent buddy who comes from a small coastal village near Drogheda. As you’d expect of the Irish, she likes a good laugh and a drink (or a few). Excellent at Naked Guess Who, but ranges anywhere from President to Asshole in the Asshole card game.
Update: still my Irish tent buddy :) who has been on the road for ages, all over Asia and Central Asia. She has an infectious laugh and will most likely love anyone who gives her blue cheese. Has realised that her standards have completely dropped, and will now fall for a guy who takes a shower more than once a week. Is very moody when hot and can be quite crass. Most likely to have a collection of cute things in her locker, including babies, kittens, puppies, and kids (baby goats) – all covered in chocolate! Denies she has a shrill and piercing voice…’IVYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Amy
Initial description: Canadian school teacher who does a great rendition of the Bumblebee song: “I’m picking up my baby bumblebee…” There is currently a dispute between how the bumblebee song ends. Andrea thinks you wash and wipe your hands at the end whereas Amy strictly believes you lick your hands. Could be a difference between Canadian regions. Has many ‘rules’ such as she doesn’t eat anything that looks like a tree e.g. broccoli, and nothing that ‘swims in its own poop’ e.g. seafood.
Update: Spiritual and reflective but loves a good party. Ready to rough it but just as ready to indulge in a spot of luxury. One of my bottle-wash shower and upgrade buddies. Refers to herself in the 3rd person a lot and always calls herself an arsehole for no reason. Constantly manages to lose EVERYTHING. Now the only other fluent French speaker on the trip (besides moi). Has been known to rage when on the drink and her teacher voice comes out from time to time e.g. when she has to tell Haydon to put his clothes back on. Preferred poison: Pastis.
Ivy
Initial description: down-to-earth American yoga teacher
Update: Loves teaching yoga to both the group and the locals alike who all appreciate it apart from the crazy lady at the Presbyterian place in Yaoundé who told her to get her ‘heathen ways’ out of her house! Also a salsa dancer extraordinaire with friends in all the right places. Totally addicted to chocolate as well as the ‘Backpacker’ card game which she’ll most likely suffer from withdrawals as she got off the truck in Libreville and will only re-join in Cape Town. Unlikely to have camping withdrawals during this time, however, as she’s never camped before this trip. Also a very good cook, very protective of Preston the pig, her neck pillow, and very bad at scratching her mozzie bites.
The single boys
Harry
Initial description: Melbournian share trader and financial market devotee who does everything TO THE MAX! (He says TO THE MAX at least 30 times per day on a ‘good’ day and only 15 on a ‘bad’ day [he lost his voice]). Has been travelling constantly for the last 5 years and likes :) using :) smiley :) icons :) liberally :) in :) his :) emails. :)
Update: Still says ‘TO THE MAX!’ daily as does everyone else in the truck now, though he also intersperses it with ‘Rock and roll!’ and ‘Cool bananas!’ He’d be the first person you’d send into a hotel as he’s the Master Negotiator on upgrade rates. But he’d be the last person you’d send anywhere else as he’d start distracting them about some unrelated matter. His ears prick up whenever he hears the word ‘leverage’ or ‘wifi’ – hence why all of us say both of these words regularly – and has selective hearing, turning ‘food market shopping’ into ‘the financial markets’. An avid, demonstrative dancer who made up his signature dance moves back in the 80s when he was in a rock band. Spends all of his time travelling and as often as he can, dances the nights away in Ibiza. Changes place names when they don’t suit him – e.g. calls Ibiza ‘IBEEEZA’ instead of ‘EYEBEETHA’. If you want a laugh, either ask him what the capital of Mauritania is or put on some Lady Gaga! Quirks include using a pair of gloves each time he sets up or takes down his tent (which I might add he dusts daily) and having everything neatly wrapped in plastic bags. Never accepts help or snacks from anyone yet force feeds others when it’s his turn to cook as he doesn’t like to waste food. He’s Greek and thinks I’m Greek. He didn’t want to believe I am half Hungarian, but was happy enough to believe my name was Elizabeth Quesadillas for at least a week or two. Still forgets everybody’s names even though we’re 4 months into the trip. But reckons he’ll remember ‘Kirsty and Kev’s’ names for at least a year afterwards (despite their names actually being Kristy and Nev!)
Dominic the only
Initial description: likes the concept of Micronations and may well start the Kingdom of Domania when he gets back to Newy (Newcastle for those overseas readers). Currently in the process of designing his own passport stamp, postage stamp, crest, beer and coronation attire. His national anthem is ‘The Passenger’ by Iggy Pop (Domania is not known for innovation apparently). He is attempting to convert the rest of us to his future cabinet members and would like to impose an alcohol tax where every citizen must bring him a case of beer once a week.
Update: Well and truly developing and expanding his kingdom, having added me as the ‘Comtesse du Camion’ and Zach and Staci as the ‘Patron Saints’. Insists on being referred to as ‘Dominic the only’. Communicates in sighs, tuts and clicks. Jo thinks his chest hair ‘looks like his Mam knitted him’. Looks best with a short beard/stubble and extremely scary/creepy with just a moustache (and often even without as he makes creepy comments regularly!) Chef extraordinaire whose signature dishes are flat bread, pesto and practically anything multicultural. Very generous sharing his snacks and beer. Snores loudly and has been known to make death threats in his sleep ‘DIE, DIE DIE!!!’ Bad loser in ‘Trickster Scrabble’ and vengeful in ‘Backpacker’. Loves chickens, so much so that he now has chicken pants and a chicken shirt (very trendy in Burkina Faso I might add), and even loves just saying the word, ‘CHI-CKENS’!!!
Sonny
Initial description: wrestled a shark and ripped out its tooth for his necklace (or so the story goes). Looks nothing like his passport photo (which Dominic thinks is feminine!) Despite his passport photo, he does have a ‘Sunny’ disposition. May have difficulty telling the difference between men and women, even when it comes to himself!
Update: Not too bad in the drinking stakes, coming tie with Garrett in a drinking challenge on New Year’s Day and getting to 106 in 100’s club. Has a fondness for ‘Sarah’ but a phobia of holding hands. His killer pick up line is ‘So, have you ever camped before?’ though telling people he would sleep with an army man if he said he was going to war tomorrow just seems to add more fuel to the gender reassignment theory. Still getting confused as a man/woman by customs officials amongst others. Might be something to do with the fact he thinks he has a maiden name! Currently in a bromance with Dan and relies on Dan for snacks and medical supplies (in fact everything) but he probably repays him in other ways! Coined the term ‘wamp’ meaning ‘that was a flop’ and ‘FML’ (f%&* my life). Spent a night in a Senegalese jail and left his mark on the prison walls. Lost most of his street cred since, however, as he left the truck early in Libreville (and took Dan with him). Will rejoin in Windhoek.
Josh
Initial description: a 21 year old historian setting out on his first overland adventure. Ready to try ‘anything’! And most likely one of the group to go native – already blending in with his Fez and curled-toed leather shoes.
Update: I love Joshy. Everyone agrees that he’s the person who has developed the most whilst on this trip. Once only knowing the world of garden parties and good quality gin, he now knows how to escape from a Senegalese prison (earning him the title of ‘jail break’), prefers to remain unwashed even when showers are available, and has developed a penchant for any drink that’s available (even cock whiskey). Loves the occasional rage and being the youngest and cutest one on the trip at this stage. Thinks all of his appendages (especially his wrists) are lovely. Hates being called Joshy, unless it’s by Staci, whom he missed dearly, as well as Zach. Also hates being poked in the stomach or the ear, but will never retaliate, which is why it’s so fun. Once sported the best mullet on the trip but now has a haircut that makes him look like a recovering patient thanks to Dom’s hairdressing skills (or lack thereof). Hasn’t removed his cap since the haircut. Is set to marry Andrea if Garrett dies on the trip (she realises a lot of training will be involved).
Bruce
Initial description: a jack of all trades who has been in the army, a postman, a truck driver, and a teacher amongst many other things before he retired. He’s had tattoos of Donald Duck, Pluto, Andi Capp and Yogi Bear on his wrists from the age of 15.
Update: Has lived an interesting life having already travelled around West Africa in his twenties, owning a monkey when he lived in Singapore, and working as a teacher in Bhutan when he bought himself out of the navy and became a pseudo-vegetarian (unwillingly). Acts like a little boy sometimes with his love of lollipops and like of playing practical jokes on people e.g. swapping their tents around and tying people’s shoelaces together. Left the truck in Lomé, Togo to meet a friend in South Africa but ended up in India, though is set to rejoin in Cape Town.
§
Initial description: censored.
Update: Not wanting to be named, we have decided to turn him into a symbol § (just like Prince). He’s the ultimate upgrader who seems to grace the truck every now and then with his presence, spending the rest of his time exploring on his own, staying in comfortable hotels, and flying between countries. Has now has turned his mullet into a skullet but doesn’t pull it off nearly as well as Guber did. Only one on the truck to have a camp bed and a fold-out chair with beer holder – and as a result has taken over every available locker space. Main mission in life after visiting every country in the world appears to be to buy Nev drinks (on his days off). An excellent ‘facilitator’ apart from when he knocked over a motorbike and ran away.
(Ethiopian) Steve
Initial description: the only African who is travelling with us on our Trans Africa trip. So far relatively quiet.
Update: Likes to upgrade and doesn’t like to get his hands and feet dirty. Has hidden talents e.g. painted an amazing Rastafarian mural in Senegal. Left the truck in Cape Coast, Ghana and is now back in his home country, Ethiopia, volunteering for an NGO that helps poor kids and mums.
Haydon
Initial description: a well-travelled Englishman from Stockport who likes sitting around campfires in board shorts with socks pulled up to his knees. Master fire stoker (mostly because he loves his tea).
Update: A big fan of nudity and hiking, and combined his passions in Australia a while back! Is always off searching for firewood and is the only person we’ve ever left behind – all because he was trying to collect firewood at a border crossing.
Ron
Initial description: just joined the trip in Fez. A married Scotsman who fits in between half an hour to 45 minutes of yoga every morning. Seems relatively at peace, potentially as a result of this.
Update: Left the trip in Bamako, Mali as he clearly wasn’t at peace on our trip. Loves his own privacy and missed his 3 year old granddaughter too much. Highly spiritual and tried to convert Harry to Buddhism by pinching him hard on his arm.
Dan
Initial description: didn’t do one as he joined us in Ghana
Update: A Bris-Vegasian with crazy hair. Guitarist extraordinaire and was the 1st act before a recent Powderfinger concert. Joined us in Accra, and was petrified of joining a group that had been travelling together for such a long time. Probably justified as we were all plotting how to freak him out in the 1st week. Dom was clearly the most successful with his creepy moustache. Couldn’t eat for the first the first week or two as a Doxy (malaria tablet) got stuck in his throat and started to dissolve his oesophagus as he slept! Seems to be the dominant one in the Sonny-Dan bromance (again refer to the Sonny ‘Gender Reassignment’ theory). Left the truck in Libreville to follow the love of his life, Sonny, to South Africa but will rejoin in Namibia. Favourite foods: dry 2 minute noodles (with spices) and tomato paste, which he puts on practically anything, including popcorn. Favourite saying: ‘Don’t be a dick!’
The couples
Garrett
Initial description: has a little too much of everything according to Andrea (down to the letters in his name). His defining feature is his eyebrows. Will do ‘anything’ if enough other people will also do it. Not worth competing with in the drinking stakes as he will ALWAYS win. At 6 foot 5, no-one would dare to mess with him, so he also doubles-up as an excellent body guard.
Update: Can be matched in a drinking competition (even by Sonny), but only after celebrating every New Year’s Day around the world and staying up for more than 24 hours. Nonetheless is still never hungover. Has been proven as an excellent bodyguard e.g. when retrieving people from prison and when pretending to be a husband of at least 50% of the truck (depending on who is being harassed), including Sonny. Still attempting to convince Ivy to be carried around in a lappa on his back. The only one brave enough to carry him around on their back, however, was Zach – a truly incredible feat. Always up for a night out, a beer and/or a chat, preferring to take the opposite opinion in any argument. Would talk to a rock if he thought it would listen according to Andrea. Can grow the meanest looking Mohawk, but looks somewhat silly with only a tuft of hair on his head.
Andrea
Initial description: has a family background of hiking and loyally follows her husband Garrett, doing what he wants(!) Has a sun hat that Harry would describe as being ‘TO THE MAX’.
Update: A bookworm with a growing obsession with Katie’s Pingu underwear. Loves her tea but hates mornings with a passion. Good at cuddling and saying ‘ouja bouja’ to make people feel better – trust me, it works! Secretly wants to marry Josh, but can only do so when Garrett dies, and is a bit concerned Garrett doesn’t have any life insurance. If Josh fails her, then I am her back up option, though she may have to contend with Lee! Always nice to EVERYONE, apart from when she’s drunk and her evil side shines through.
(Kiwi) Steven (Guber)
Initial description: he plays along with the all kiwi sheep jokes as he says it’s just easier that way!
Update: A real character. Manages to convince everyone he is respectable when sporting a side part, though his skullet suggested otherwise as does his demeanour. Can become very unsteady on his feet after the first sheesha hit and has some excellent shitting stories. Screams out inappropriate comments such as ‘Where are your daughters?’ to a group of men, but is totally loyal to his wife and adores her (which he should as she is absolutely gorgeous). Has a toenail fetish and even a toenail graveyard that used to live in his carpet but now lives in his wallet’s coin purse. Loves ‘street meat’, a good ‘CH! (Chune!) [good track]’, truck parties, chopping wood with ‘Old Faithful’ (the axe which he wants to take home with him), and a good rage both in terms of the fire and his temperament. Also loves knowing distance travelled, average speed of the truck, and point to point distance between towns, looking at his map at least 50 times per day. Has a mission to teach the Haka to every African child. Has wanted to live in Libreville for many years and may take up the job offer we received from the Chef de L’Entreprise.
Katie
Initial description: married to Guber. Excellent with masking tape particularly during a game of wizard sticks.
Update: The most patient wife in history and even won an award for that on a previous trip! e.g. even tolerates her freshly cut toenails being stolen by her husband. Also wins the ‘Flapper’ award for the one who flaps the most often (overland form of drying dishes). Reliable timekeeper and whistleblower of the 100s club game. Seems to have the cleanest and most variety of clothes on the truck although she’s so tiny, they would barely take up any space.
Zach
Initial description: stylish American who loves beer (so much so that he bought 10 cases of it at our first shop stop!)
Update: Turns out he’s also the smartest as everyone else ran out of beer after a couple of weeks! Has been canonised, becoming the 1st Patron Saint of Domainia, ‘Zach the Pious’. Culinary expert with A-MA-ZING gnocchi. Hated by all the guys on the truck as he has a 12-pack (not just a 6-pack)! Used to be the truck hairdresser until he sadly got off the truck in Ghana. Since getting off the truck, however, Zach and Staci are now engaged! YAY! Cutest couple ever.
Staci
Initial description: stylish American (so far – let’s wait until the end of the trip!). Partner of Zach.
Update: Has also been canonised, becoming a Patron Saint of Domainia, ‘Staci of the buxom ankle’ (she sprained her ankle and Dom took a creepy liking to the buxomness of the swelling). Didn’t know anything about this trip before coming on it, particularly the amount of bush camping. But never lost her stylishness and managed to keep her feet amazingly clean. May adopt Josh as their son – or more likely he will just move in with them for an inappropriate amount of time. The ultimate cock-blocker when drunk, just ask Sonny! A-MA-ZING writer and cook group buddy who has been sadly missed since she got off the truck in Ghana.
Graham
Initial description: an Englishman who I swear sounds Irish. Wears a snorkelling mask when cutting up onions.
Update: Censored
Julia
Initial description: Graham’s Austrian partner who loves the Tudors – both the period and the series. Might have good chats with Josh down the track – a fellow historian.
Update: Censored
Shaun
Initial description: if this Bris-Vegasian drinks pirate rum, he turns into a pirate. Not limited to rum, however, he is happy to drink most beverages particularly ‘wizard sticks’ and when wearing his djellaba, actually looks like a wizard too. Everyone in Morocco calls him ‘Ali Baba’ due to his impressive beard and moustache that he’s been working on for the past 11 months. May be useful as a ‘Santa’ at Christmas time though I doubt many of the women would feel safe sitting on his knee.
Update: Now everyone calls him Jesus or Ali Baba as his ‘travelling growth’ has been in existence since December 2010. Never one to say no to a challenge, including succumbing to peer pressure at 100s club, making it to the near impossible feat of achieving a score of 160. The holder of: the highest nudie photo in our truck history at the top of Mount Cameroon, 4,095 metres; the coldest in the snow in Morocco; and the sandiest in the Western Sahara. In summary, he just likes getting his gear off and convincing others to take theirs off. Loves ‘street meat’, saying ‘Littthhha’ (my name said in a ‘special’ way), and doing his ‘sexy dance’ for ANYONE. Gets cabin fever and very fidgety on drive days as his undiagnosed ADHD sets in (says Karen). Luckily Karen’s teaching strategies including crosswords seem to keep him amused and contained. An enthusiastic traveller who is super tetra mega excited about getting out there and seeing everything and anything. Also eats anything including grasscutter (rat) and sheep’s eyeballs. Loves ‘undie Sunday’ where he wears his Transformer undies.
Karen
Initial description: Shaun’s loyal wife, a well-travelled, camping-loving Aussie who refuses to upgrade unless she is on her death bed. Would evidently sit on Shaun’s knee!
Update: Been on the road since December 2010, travelling around the Americas and Europe and now onto the African chapter. Constantly making the rest of us jealous with talk of the future countries they’re about to visit. Only recognises ‘AWESOME’ guys when drunk. Possibly the best drunk ever, telling everyone she loves them even if they’re not AT ALL lovable. May adopt Lee as a child, issuing her with biscuits only at pee stops and letting her sleep in the marital tent (much to Shaun’s dismay.) The only girl to do us proud in the 100s club making 94 and then loyally supporting her husband to reach 160!
Me
Initial description: I evidently didn’t have one as I was too busy judging everyone else!
Update: Now I am letting others judge me. Scary. I may have to/will edit this later.
Staci’s ‘leggy, eggy friend’. Reluctantly sucked it up as Kristy told me to discard my hiking boots for thongs, despite much protest and me wanting to keep my feet squeaky clean. Am easily taunted with dirty feet anywhere near my body but luckily my toenails are well groomed and painted a coral colour, disguising the dirt that lies underneath. Most people’s diaries are at least partly based on ‘the tales of Lisa’. Very humorous and giggle hilariously when drunk and should stick to what I’m good at – and that is not cooking, although I can now make an omelette, thanks to the advice from 21 year old Joshy. Love eggs in any form but have not heard of cholesterol poisoning. Am a good sport and take one for the team, allowing myself to be a subject for Harry’s dance moves. Am the only person to have ever outtalked Harry, inspiring him to request a siesta, which is apparently a ‘Greek’ thing! Apparently will have a boy and then a girl according to the Supreme Chief of Voodoo in Togo, who was quite concerned that I was 30, unmarried, childless and unemployed!
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